Detroit Women Leaders Association Chapter Meeting: You Belong Here

[Music] So now we are going to move to our next presentation. So Kim, can you say hello? Hello everyone. Well Kim, thank you so much for being with us today. So, can you pull up your slides? Sure can. Thank you. Well, thank you so much and take it away. The floor is all yours. Wonderful. Um, I wanted just uh to thank you all for being here today. Um, I'm Kim Dabs and I'm thrilled to share with you about my new book, You Belong Here:: The Power of Being Seen, Heard, and Valued on Your Own Terms. I um I currently serve as the global vice president of ESG and social innovation for a company uh called Steelcase. Uh we're a global design and thought leader in the world of work and for over a century we've designed, manufactured, partnered with the world's leading organizations uh to create furnishings and solutions for all the places that work happens. And I have the great honor uh to lead the work on our commitments for people in the planet. And uh one of our commitments and our um our purpose along the way is really trying to make better possible. And our team uh when we came together, we start we started asking ourselves a lot of hard questions. What is better? uh because we know the starting point for everyone is different and we need to understand that as we build out um our better future strategy. Uh you know I believe that better for people is um building community and building belonging where everyone feels seen, heard and valued in the workplace in the world. And those commitments are why I chose Steelcase almost nine years ago. But Steelcase is my first corporate sector job. Prior to that, I worked leading nonprofit organizations in equity and education. I've also done things like led public policy and advocacy initiatives in the US. And what I found is that the longer I experienced uh barriers to progress uh for the organizations and the people that we serve, the more I wanted to work at scale within the systems that I saw as the root cause of so many of the issues uh that the people that we served were facing and I wanted to ensure that within our systems those impacted had equitable access to opportunity. But before you see me as this, uh, you have to see me as so much more because my life didn't start there. Uh, I am a Koreanb born American adoptee currently living in Munich, Germany. Um, and I introduced myself that way because for so long I felt the world was made up of places I didn't belong. Um, Koreans tell me I'm too American, Americans tell me I'm too Korean, and Germans tell me um, you know, I'm I'm not German. And everywhere I go, people remind me that I'm not one of them. And and it hurts. And to deal with this pain, I spent decades trying to find ways to be a cultural chameleon. I would change my hair, my clothes, my words, and I did this to make others feel more comfortable in the places and spaces we shared. But I'm not the only one that feels this way. We all do. At some point in our lives, we've all walked into rooms where we felt that we don't belong. And before we can even process it, we feel it in our bodies. And then come the social cues. People tell me, "Where are you really from? You should smile more. Be nice." And so the world overtly or covertly tells us to turn our back on parts of our parts of our identity when we hear those things. Um, and then it goes deeper. We hear things like, "You're not professional enough. you're a diversity hire, you speak really good English. And so in response to this over and over for years, we start to change. Um we change our name, we change everything about ourselves. And the weight of these experiences over time become heavier and heavier until we don't see ourselves anymore. And we need a way out. But I believe that the way out is by going in. Because belonging at its core begins with the individual. It become it begins with you each and every one of us. And many of us look to the outside world to define where and when we belong instead of doing the work on ourselves for ourselves to really define how we want to be seen, heard, and valued on our own terms. Because seeing and believing we are equal and each of us are equal is the first step in belonging and understanding it's the systems we live in that have denied us that equity. So without this foundation people will continue to wear masks in an attempt to fit in. And the rollover effect of that impacts everything our culture at home at work and in the community. And I'm not the only one talking about this. The world agrees. We're seeing a rise in belonging in boardrooms and dinner tables throughout the world. And my role at Steelcase, this is especially top of mind. Companies we talk to daily are understanding the need to prioritize culture and the needs of employees in the workplace. To design for inclusion, to design for belonging. And when we mask ourselves, that's when we lack the safe spaces for each of us to bring our authentic selves to the workplace. And we end up hiding parts of our identity which each of us need to thrive. And if we're not thriving, the organization suffers and more importantly, individuals suffer. So we're hearing a lot about creating safe spaces for employees and the definition of a safe space safe space is different for each of us which makes the individual identity work critical in building that culture of belonging. This is because culture is not something people fit into but it's a sum of each of our individual parts. And right now, it's no surprise when I say we're living in a world of extreme polarization, a time where civil discourse um isn't thriving. And this time that we're living in, it's a time of us versus them, scarcity and fear. And when that happens, we retreat to our corners and we don't see each other as individuals. we don't see our humanity and people and organizations are seeking ways to build belonging um in their cultures. So over co um one of the things that I did uh was really to start to take a look at uh what that red thread is for me personally throughout my life and I thought it was social impact. I began early in my life with advocating for a lot of different causes that mattered to me and then I made a career of it and what I saw was the opportunity to weave both together and I wanted to build that new way forward that didn't just have information about what was happening in the diversity, equity, and inclusion space. I wanted a way forward that could call people in, not just call people out. And I wanted to provide a clear accessible narrative about how to go through this journey in a way that could be explored, shared and repeated. So when I began doing workshops with our community partners and employees around power and privilege, um this sparked a revolution and I gave talks on belonging on stages like W the World Economic Forum and with clients like Google and MIT and with people like Amy Edmonson who pioneered the topic of psychological safety. And every time I did this, people said, "Where can I get the book?" And that's how you belong here was born. And this is really truly an or an exploration of identity and dive deep into the places that shows up in our life. And this journey is about discovering each of our four identities uh to build belonging because they play a critical role in who we are and how we show up in the world. Um, this takes us through this exploration that allows each of us to continually see, claim, edit, and own who we are so that we can stand firmly when we feel like an outsider in the world. The first step in this is about your lived identity. Seeing the cultures and systems we live in that make us feel like an outsider. This is the first step in belonging to ourselves. And you you see this show up um most in organizations through um what they call diversity, the data around people. These are aspects we've inherited. um uh all of those things that are data points and the identity we inherit all of these things, the culture we're born into. Uh by seeing which parts of your identity you lead with and which parts you struggle to share, you see which aspects of your lived identity you hide. And this allows you to better see the power and privilege others hold within this interaction. I think it's most pronounced when we talk about our origin stories. Um, for example, I used to tell uh people my origin start my origin story started as an American. I would leave out the richness of my history of being Koreanborn. And I did that because throughout my life through words and social cues I was told that Korean was less than I was the other. So over time, I would leave that part out. But when we dive into our origin story and question which parts of our lived identity we either step into or hide, depending on the room we walk into, we gain clarity on the world uh we're born into and the systems and conditions that actually have shaped us. And none of us can change our starting point. We can't we can't change the fact that I was born in Korea. I was born into poverty. But we can change our relationship with these aspects of our identity. And when we start to explore and um interrogate those systemic barriers to opportunity within the things uh we often um inherit, we can better understand our relationship to the things uh that matter most to us. Now our learned identity. These are aspects of our identity that we've chosen. Things like professions, job titles, family, relationships, education, the identity we choose. These are the parts of us that we claim. And you see this within um within organizations uh talking about it as equity. Do people have access to opportunity? What are these choices? Because these choices are learned identity. It's dynamic and impermanent. It helps us explore um what does it mean to claim this identity on this day? What does it mean to claim this identity in this room with each of you that are on the call today with these people? Um and all of that shifts and changes for us. And so much of this work is learning how to claim our identity and not let others define it for us. Um the choices that we have and how we claim these things can be a strong guide to where we spend our time and energy gaining clarity on the topics that matter to us uh can be a consistent force in our lives. Um I've made choices in my life. I've chosen to be a wife. I've chosen to be a mother. I've chosen to study at different schools. I've chosen to live in Germany. So when people start to deny me those aspects of the choices I made, tell me I don't belong or deserve to be at X company, Y city or Z job. That is not their choice to make. That is mine. And I have claimed that as who I am and what I love and they can't diminish that for me. So each of you need to live your own dream, not the dream that others have defined for you. And it's time to name those things in your life that you want to fight for. Uh something that helps me do that as I start to explore um is by the creation of guiding principles. These help me see the choices that are in front of me. And I urge each of you as leaders, as individuals to do that as well. um we're going to be challenged to think about which aspects serve us, which ones don't, which parts are forced upon us by others, and the implications that has on the opportunities before that before us. So when we do this work around guiding principles, we really understand or can start to uncover what equitable access to opportunity is and which ones have barriers. Um, some of the things that personally guide my choices. I built these over years. Um, uh, some of my guiding principles, speak truth to power. Use power to share power. The only reason to have power is to share that power with others. Act with bravery. Impact over ego. Be for each other. Even when you radically dis disagree. One of my guiding principles is if I'm going to get in that civil discourse, if I'm going to be in conversation with you, um, I'm doing it because I want you to succeed. I want to see your humanity. I'm here to get it right, not to be right. These are the things over and over. These are the things that are within my control. And the more clarity uh we have on the things that guide the choices we make in life, the better we're able to see, hear, and value ourselves in any situation. But we don't live in isolation. Life happens. So when we're living in this world, so many things challenge our identity every day. And you see a lot of this talk around your linkering identity is inclusion within organizations. So maybe we've had a seat at the table, but even if we have a seat at the table, we don't feel included. So when this happens, we go into fight orflight mode. This is our default position that's rooted in all of those old stories we tell ourselves about who we are and where we belong. It ends up being hardwired in our brain and how we respond. So generally this shows up in situations where we feel like an outsider and we fall back into those habits as a as a survival mechanism. Um but when we define this identity and realize the cues and triggers that make us feel like an outsider, we can start to sunset the stories that aren't serving us and rewrite new ones that actually do. There are so many that each of us carry with us and each of us carry different stories that we tell ourselves. Sometimes it's an I'm to this or I'm to that. Um and so when we do this, this starts to rewrite that lingering identity. I remember giving a speech much like this one not too long ago and before the talk someone came up to me and and told me her story like I don't feel professional enough. I'm not professional enough. And I I paused in that moment and and really asked her to understand what does professional mean to you? Who's defining professional? And within that, you're going to start to see the systems that we live within. When I um lived out west, sometimes professional means you you showed up in a t-shirt and Vans. If you're living on the East Coast and working on Wall Street, professional may mean a suit and tie. Professional is different for everyone in every organization. I personally believe that professional is seeing someone's gifts and being able to unleash those gifts in the workplace in a way that provides generosity and value to the work being done. That's professional. And so, you know, I got a note from her um months later and she said, "Thank you for having that conversation. I realized that I was letting them write that story for me." So she ended up really finding a new position and a new organization that allowed her to be her authentic self. And she started to define for herself how to be seen, heard, and valued on her own terms and not someone else's. And when that happens, this is what I call our loved identity. This is where authenticity thrives. This is truly the power of being seen, heard, and valued on your own terms. And to belong to ourselves, we need to move through that diversity, equity, and inclusion. We need to move through those different identities, our lived, learned, and lingering identities into one that we love. And it's here that we see ourselves through a lens of empowerment. We've clarified our values. We define all of these things for ourselves. And when we discover what we're fighting for and who we're fighting with, we fully leverage our loved identity and live with authenticity and purpose. And that's when we can be seen, heard, and valued in a way that gives us a sense of belonging in any situation. And instead of looking for a seat at someone else's table, uh we can build our own. And what I'm not suggesting is that we live in a world where it's only about us. We live with others. We live in community. But if that table that you are at doesn't see, hear or value you, it's time to reset that table or it's time just to build a new one. Through this process um of defining our identity and understanding how to be seen, heard and valued on our own terms, our eyes open to the journey of others. This realization allows us to see others with empathy. Um we can then use this power to ensure that the lived, learned, and loved experiences of others are honored in everyday situations. And we need to learn how to design all of those norms, all of those rituals to create safe spaces for that to thrive. Now, when we find belonging within ourselves, that's when I believe we can truly discover others. And we use this to dive deeper into designing work experiences. um belonging becomes both an outcome of diversity, equity, and inclusion as well as a lens to think about designing everything that you interact with. A lot of the questions that I'll ask people when I'm working with them, what table have you designed? How are people gathering? What spaces have you created? When have you used the power you have to share it with others? What are the policies or programs that exist that have barriers to helping communities thrive? True um true belonging is realized um when we discover that everyone is an outsider and it's the power of creating space for those differences that actually unites us all. When when you go through this journey, I believe we deepen the relationship with ourselves. And inner work truly is systems work. Inner work is systems work. I grew into the story I used to tell myself. I'm too female. I'm too opinionated. I'm too radical. I'm too revolutionary. And over time, I became so buried in these stories that weren't serving me that I couldn't recognize where those stories ended and my real story began. But the belonging journey changed that for me. Today, when st when someone will approach me and it happens on a regular basis and say, "But where are you really from?" I always have a response and I tell myself, "You belong here. I have found the tools to navigate being an outsider. I found my own unique power and beauty in my differences. And I have found my loved identity. And my hope is that in your own belonging journey that you can gain the insights and tools to do the same. Thank you for having me today for believing in belonging. And thank you so much for believing change is possible. I'd love to open it up for some questions now. Well, Kim, thank you so much for that wonderful question, for that wonderful presentation, and for sharing your story. Yes, we have a few questions that have come in from the chat. Um, our first one from Aaron from Erin says, "How have you learned to talk to the naysayers?" Yeah. one um it depends on uh I always say it depends on the situation like when we talk about naysayers and this us versus them I always take a listen first to understand stance and then understand and those guiding principles help me understand the tone and interaction that I'm going to have um I want to believe that each of us are good each of us want to do good each of our decisions are rooted in values even though our lived and learned experiences actually shape those different values. Um, but if you if you think back to that guiding principle, it it's truly be for each other. And I'll even set the foundation for that to say, hey, I don't think you're trying to hurt people. I don't think you're trying to cause harm in this moment. This is the situation that I'm seeing, and I want us both to come out of the other side of this understanding each other more. Um, and that's really how I enter into a lot of those conversations. Well, thank you so much. Oh, here's a funny question from Gracie. She says, "If you fly from DTW to ICN, you will quickly know how awesome Korea is." And the airport in Soul, Korea is the nicest airport you will ever visit. So, thank you. That's right. Um, another fun question. Oh, from Felicity. She says, "When a new staffer is struggling with their journey, how can I show support?" Oh, what a beautiful question. Um, one of the things that we do on our team, and I lead um, a couple different teams here at Steelcase, is I don't design for people, I design with people. Um, one of the things that we do is we come together as a team on an annual basis to co-design our rituals and norms. And these are the things that actually guide um each of our interactions, not just on that annual basis, but on every single staff meeting that we have, we open up with our norms. And for all of you that work um at the pace that the world is going, you realize when you're saying we take 10 or 15 minutes of every meeting to just check in with each other. But that ritual shows care. And that ritual of care actually builds trust and builds understanding. And the fact that each of our norms, our community agreements, how we've come together and how we show up for each other, that starts to shape the entire tone of of our relationships and how we interact. So when I see someone struggling, a lot of times when you've gone through those rituals and norms and co-designed how you want to be seen, heard, and valued on your own terms for each and every person on that team. um knowing that we're all not going to show up as our best selves every day and every meeting, but to have the safety in those meetings because you've made that a ritual to say, "Hey, I wanted like to to lean into this norm of I wanted to uh one of our norms is I want to get it right, not to be right." And this week I was in conversation or I was in a meeting and I really wanted to be right. I didn't want to get it right and I was triggered in that moment. Do any of you have ideas or suggestions of how I could have handled that differently? So truly taking a learning stance um in every interaction is the best way to create that foundation. Well, I think we have time for one more comment before we move to to Jen's presentation. And this says from Molly. She says, "I love this. I think it's hard and also maybe sub subjective to find where you're valued. Someone may feel they're treating you as such, but maybe you also don't feel it." That's right. Um, and we're always going to be in situations like that because their values are going to be different than your values. And that's why I think really truly understanding um taking the inner work first. Uh because then you can define and you can say this is what value means to me. This is how I value myself. Even though in everyday interactions that may not be the truth. Um, I always find that the the firmer uh you root yourself in your own values, the less that those moments um actually hurt and harm. So, Molly, I hear you. I feel you. Um, but really defining that for yourself um and going on that belonging journey is a great first step to doing so. Well, thank you so much, Kim. So, as we wrap, do you have any final words of wisdom for all of our viewers today? You know, I just believe truly and with my whole heart, you belong here. Um, and I hope that you can carry that as a mantra with you um every single day. Well, thank you so much for your time today.